Today it is finally my birthday. I came out of my mother's womb exactly 32 years and 2 hours ago. Didn't happen to be any memorable event. Didn't have 3 kings visiting, not even a beggar I guess.
As my mum was quite far away from home in this small town a couple of hundred meters away from Geneva in switzerland I suppose she didn't have many friends visiting her and her soon-going-to-be chubby, shy and asocial baby.
Just makes me think that when I will go back to where I am from, nowhere, big chances are that I just return to this ocean of emptiness even before to step in it.
Well, I've been there for ever already, to be honest. I'm actually even crying now, with no shame whatsoever to expose it publicly.
I still have this innocence of being entirely authentic without any conception of "having anything to hide". If memories make up one's experience and thus one's wisdom, being only twice more forgetful than most people would give me a mental age of 16 and it is exactly how old I feel sometimes. But sure, men aren't supposed to cry not even boys.
And there are a lot more things that I do that i'm not supposed to following the book of the outrageously terribly "preconditioned humanity".
I once thought that maybe growing up and older would enable me to "fit in"in some kind of ways. That the social skills I had developed in my mid-twenties would keep getting better. But instead of that, when I got closer to 30 my social aptitudes became to deteriorate again and even if I'm not as inapt to communicate with the human species as I was during my whole childhood I am sick of it more than ever for the simple reason I will expose to you later here.
I remember saying this cliche phrase to this unique girl I met in the Philippines last here: "I can't live you but i can't live without you!". She has now some Yankee boyfriend and it is for the best as she couldn't live with me either.
That's exactly how i feel for this species with whom, for the most, i only share most of my DNA but nothing much more than that. I can't live with you but I can't live without you fellow humans!
We are doomed to co-exist together either you and I want it or not and for the first time i'm not afraid to engage in these aberrant and dangerous thoughts.
In some ways I could try to only be surrounded by pets. to stroke gentle dogs and cats needy of affection and feel happy enough about it at least for a while. I'd be happier with them and them with me than with some homo-sapiens much more aware of their environment.
Aware, Oh Really? At least conscious enough to think about all the down-to-earth and the most superficial layer of what actually exist but unconscious enough to zap all the rest as if doesn't even exist or worse, as if while existing was not even worth mentioning or talking about.
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